Wednesday, July 27, 2005


Shoppers at a shopping mall in Norwich are being encouraged not to walk if possible, as doing so could offend wheelchair users. Norfolk County Council began the enactment of this request on thursday morning, but soon found that evergrowing numbers of shopkeepers were becoming angry. "If customers can't walk, how the hell are they supposed to enter the shops?" one irate shop owner told this reporter yesterday.


A 5 year old pupil has been expelled from a primary school in Poringland, Nofolk, after committing what the Local Council are calling "insurgent behaviour" and parents "nothing whatsoever".

The girl, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is alleged to have left unattended baggage in the hallway of her school, which contravenes their zero tolerance policy on terrorism. However, the fact that the baggage in question is a 1cm by 1cm canvas backpack on the girl's doll has caused anger amongst parents, who accuse the school of "stupidity and callous bureaucracy."

This is not the first time that the school has been in such a situation. In 2003, a 9 year old boy was expelled after telling his teacher that he felt "ship-shape", which is thought to have originated from the days of slavery and could therefore be offensive to those of African origin.


Matthew Goodweight has an exemplary teaching record, and is well respected by his colleagues and his pupils at his high school in Bolton, Lancashire. Yet on Friday he was dismissed on the grounds of sexism and intolerance. His crime? Getting married to a woman, which in the eyes of the Education Authority is sexist, as he "made a decisive and exclusionist choice", in the words of Education Minister, Hermione Wilson-Pickett.

Ms Wilson-Pickett, herself married to her "partner", School Governor, Andrew Walmsley-King, refused an further interview with reporters.


Following last month's Local Council ruling that Eye library must remove all books containing the word "tea", the parochial library is again making headlines. In a ruling that has been called everything from "bizarre" to "twattified", the Council has ruled that the library must remove all of its books at once, as they pose a potential fire hazard. The feeling amongst locals in Eye was summed up by local student, Ben Hectares, who said, simply: "It's a fornicating disgrace."


The managing director of a Norfolk trading company is behind bars today, awaiting trial for what prosecutors are calling "the most shocking example of sexual harassment in the workplace of all time."

James Whitecrystal was led away in cuffs from the Diss based company, OmniStock, yesterday afternoon, having been caught in an elaborate, Local Council-led sting. A council representative, posing as a reporter for men's magazine, Loaded, had arranged an interview with Whitecrystal, in order to include OmniStock in the magazine's notorious feature, "Eat my job!".

Having been tipped off by an unknown source, the Council sent in one of their female executives, armed with hidden cameras and state of the art recording devices. The executive, who cannot be named for legal reasons, issued the following statement from behind closed doors:

"It was terrible. When I arrived at OmniStock, I was greeted by two Nordic girls in bikinis carrying trays of beer and tortilla chips. As they led me through the open plan offices, I was appalled by the sight of posters and desk-decorations, and the sound of laughter. Whitecrystal's office was very gaudy and filled with offensive literature and unacceptable music. When I walked in he gave me a very incorrect slap on the bottom and told me to "park the peach" on an orange fur beanbag. When I asked him about the running of his business, he told me that his emphasis was on fun and enjoyment. He had Swedish beer girls, regular costume days and a very relaxed dress code, including mandatory Hawaiian shirt days and monthly group games of strip-twister. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the door of his office burst open and a young south-east Asian girl bounded in, wearing a dog collar and barking. Whitecrystal told me that this was "Dog for a day", a game in which the member of the team with the lowest averages had to be, well, a dog for a day. At this point I got up to leave, but as I was making my way for the door, Whitecrystal grabbed me from behind and told me, and I quote 'I think you're a little cracker, and I think I'm going to put you across my knee."

OmniStock's directors were quick to condemn the actions of Whitecrystal and his staff, and promise to assist the Council in a thorough investigation. "James Whitecrystal has committed gross crimes and abused his position as a valued member of the OmniStock family," company spokesperson Richard Sage said outside court yesterday. Asked to comment on the fact that the Diss branch are consistently top of the company's league tables for sales and efficiency, and have received nothing but praise from customers in telephone surveys, Sage was quick to change the subject.

As for Whitecrystal himself, he remains cheerful and issued the following statement, to the cheering crowds outside his offices:

"Work is something that we all have to do everyday, so I made it fun for me, everyone who works with me and especially our customers. Unfortunately this doesn't sit well with the thought police. See you all soon!"

The trial begins in September.


A openly-feminist mother has attracted media attention to the usually sleepy Suffolk village of Redgrave by dressing her 4 year old son in a pink dress. Georgina Liverock, a teacher at the village primary school, brought her son to the school's summer fete, and seemed surprised when people commented on the toddler's attire.

"I am simply exercising my son's feminist rights," she is reported to have said. "Girls are free to wear trousers, so therefore it is every boy's right to wear a skirt, or in this case a dress."

Nigel Byways, headmaster of the school, was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


After months of deliberations, The Ministry of Commerce has put forward a set of regulations concerning the use of pens in the workplace, and businesses across the United Kingdom are being encouraged to follow them. The regulations are intended to "avoid any form of personal misunderstanding or embarrassment whatsoever and embrace the modern ethnic diversity in the United Kingdom", in the words of Commisioner Anthony Phillips-Whiney. In plain English:

- black and brown pens are to be phased out, as their presence could offend immigrants and foreign residents.

- red pens are to be phased out, as their presence could offend Native Americans.

- blue pens are to be phased out, as their presence could offend blue-blooded creatures.

The regulations are expected to be passed in September.

Monday, July 25, 2005


A car parked on the side of a road in Eye, Suffolk, was given a parking ticket yesterday, despite the fact that the car in question was made of plastic and being steered by a 3 year old boy. The parking attendant, who can't be named for legal reasons, is alleged to have bent down to stick the $60 fine to the plastic windscreen of the boy's pedal car and told him to be on his way. The boy's parents are furious and demanded that the parking attendant be made to apologise, but it seems that from a legal standpoint, the pedal car constitutes a road vehicle, and it was parked "in a clearly marked area with no regard for proper procedure", according to the Ministry of Transport, so the fine will stay. The boy's parents have resolved to fight the case "to the bitter end."


Bury St Edmunds housewife, Sarah Sapling, won a landmark compensation case yesterday against The National Lottery at Ipwich Crown Court. Justice William D'arby awarded the 46 year old single mother an astonishing $2.5 millon, for the "undue and unspeakably cruel stress of financial burden" that Sapling had suffered since her $1.3 million lottery win 2 months ago. The Defence barristers representing the National Lottery are said to be "in shock".