The managing director of a Norfolk trading company is behind bars today, awaiting trial for what prosecutors are calling "the most shocking example of sexual harassment in the workplace of all time."
James Whitecrystal was led away in cuffs from the Diss based company, OmniStock, yesterday afternoon, having been caught in an elaborate, Local Council-led sting. A council representative, posing as a reporter for men's magazine, Loaded, had arranged an interview with Whitecrystal, in order to include OmniStock in the magazine's notorious feature, "Eat my job!".
Having been tipped off by an unknown source, the Council sent in one of their female executives, armed with hidden cameras and state of the art recording devices. The executive, who cannot be named for legal reasons, issued the following statement from behind closed doors:"It was terrible. When I arrived at OmniStock, I was greeted by two Nordic girls in bikinis carrying trays of beer and tortilla chips. As they led me through the open plan offices, I was appalled by the sight of posters and desk-decorations, and the sound of laughter. Whitecrystal's office was very gaudy and filled with offensive literature and unacceptable music. When I walked in he gave me a very incorrect slap on the bottom and told me to "park the peach" on an orange fur beanbag. When I asked him about the running of his business, he told me that his emphasis was on fun and enjoyment. He had Swedish beer girls, regular costume days and a very relaxed dress code, including mandatory Hawaiian shirt days and monthly group games of strip-twister. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the door of his office burst open and a young south-east Asian girl bounded in, wearing a dog collar and barking. Whitecrystal told me that this was "Dog for a day", a game in which the member of the team with the lowest averages had to be, well, a dog for a day. At this point I got up to leave, but as I was making my way for the door, Whitecrystal grabbed me from behind and told me, and I quote 'I think you're a little cracker, and I think I'm going to put you across my knee."
OmniStock's directors were quick to condemn the actions of Whitecrystal and his staff, and promise to assist the Council in a thorough investigation. "James Whitecrystal has committed gross crimes and abused his position as a valued member of the OmniStock family,"
company spokesperson Richard Sage said outside court yesterday. Asked to comment on the fact that the Diss branch are consistently top of the company's league tables for sales and efficiency, and have received nothing but praise from customers in telephone surveys, Sage was quick to change the subject.
As for Whitecrystal himself, he remains cheerful and issued the following statement, to the cheering crowds outside his offices:"Work is something that we all have to do everyday, so I made it fun for me, everyone who works with me and especially our customers. Unfortunately this doesn't sit well with the thought police. See you all soon!"
The trial begins in September.