PENSIONER BEHIND BARS FOR COMMENTS

Yorkshire pensioner, Gladys Heel is behind bars tonight at Otley police station, after falling foul of the Local Council's new home owners policies. Two days ago, the Local Council sent a representative to Mrs Heel's bungalow to follow up her complaints about poor insulation and chilly drafts. When Mrs Heel said that "the cold comes right under that door there" the representative is alleged to have told her that "the cold" as such doesn't exist, and the feeling that one associates with cold is actually a lack of heat." Mrs Heel is then reported to have suggested to the representative that he should spend an hour or two locked in her freezer, and then he could perhaps rethink his analysis.

Having issued a full report to his masters, as is Local Council policy, they found that Mrs Heel had controvened a number of newly passed legislative measures, not least of all the controversial "Home owner vs Intruder" policy.

Ironically for Mrs Heel, Otley police station is reportedly "very snug" and there seems to be a pleasant absence of "cold", or an abundance of "heat", as it were.

SCHOOL TEACHER SUSPENDED OVER BOOK LENDING BACKLASH

When Slenderdeer High School teacher, Anthea Albantine started a book-lending service for her English Literature students last month, she was hoping to capture their imaginations and create a love for reading. However, as a new week dawns, Mrs Albantine is facing an uncertain future after her project was unceremoniously scrapped and she herself was suspended indefinitely from her job as Head of English.

This reporter contacted Kay Blundell-Harrow, a senior official at Suffolk Local Council, to clarify what had happened. Ms Blundell-Harrow gave the following statement:

"Mrs Albantine has been suspended forthwith following an incident that can only be described as grossly insensitive and discriminatory. Mrs Albantine lent one of her students Tolkien's The Return of the King, which naturally resulted in the disciplinary action meted out."

When pressed further, Ms Blundell-Harrow explained that the book in question has a cover illustration depicting Gandalf the White, who is carrying a white staff, and could therefore be offensive to visually impaired people. Mrs Albantine, she continued, should have been aware of this, and is thus at fault.

Mrs Albantine refused to comment on events, although a source informed this reporter that she is looking forward to working on her ongoing novel.

LOCAL VILLAGE TO BE SUED

It has undoubtedly been the most eventful few weeks in the sleepy Suffolk village of Occold's long history, but for all the wrong reasons. 13 days ago it transpired that the local pub had run out of beer, and now the village is being sued by a pop singer, in a bizarre contravenence of newly passed anti-paparazzi legislation.

Yesterday morning, Alexys SXE (real name Alexandra Jones) was caught on a speed camera, going 80mph in a 30mph zone. Ordinarily such an act would result in a loss of points, and or a revoking of licence and a sizeable fine. But SXE has been fully cleared of all charges, and in a remarkable turnaround, the village of Occold has been charged with taking her photo illegally, under paragraph 6, sub-section 3 of the new Citizen's Privacy Act.

Despite residents' complaints that it was the the police themselves that took the singer's photo, a substantial fine is expected to be levied against the residents, which will be collected in the not-so-subtle guise of a raise in council taxes. Suffolk County Police were unavailable for comment.