HIGHSCHOOL CHESS CLUB TO FOLD

For the past 27 years, Slenderdeer Highschool's chess club - The Jolly Knights - have swept all comers at local and national tournaments alike, bringing in an enviable hoard of accolades and trophies and cultivating some 10 grandmasters and countless international masters in the process. However, due to newly passed legislation from The Local Councils, chess is to be replaced by a more PC version of the game, and schools throughout the United Kingdom will be forbidden from even having chess clubs.

Apparently the new game, which has a working title of cooperation, will do away with the traditional black and white pieces and instead use 32 grey pawns, which will all be on the same side. Opposition to the legislation has been immediate and far reaching, with everyone from members of the World Chess Federation to local Suffolk enthusiasts voicing their displeasure. On Wednesday, this reporter spoke to a past school protege, James Whitecrystal, who gave up a glittering career in the chess world to start his own trading company in the area.

"It's absolutely ludicrous... chess has been around for thousands of years and remains perhaps the most engaging and mentally-rewarding game in the world. If the stuffed shirts of the Local Councils get their way, it will mean the end of a large part of the civilised world."

Despite the overwhelming backlash to the legislation, it is expected to be passed sometime in the next few years. "I was proud to have been one of the Jolly Knights," Whitecrystal concluded, "but as one of the Emotionally-secure Grey Pawns? Don't make me laugh..."