PUB COURTS CONTROVERSY AGAIN

When three Surrey men headed to the local pub after finishing work on Friday, they were expecting cold beer and a jukebox. What they got was a lawsuit and possible dismissals from their workplace. Proprietor of The Slug and Lettuce, Ms Chris Holman-Adams, has filed charges of aggrivated stress, harrassment and breach of human rights against the three. And what did the three men do to deserve this? Well, nothing actually. Apart from being an Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman, and entering a pub, which Ms Holman-Adams' lawyers say caused their client undue worry and fear that some of her other customers might have been offended by the implied joke. The three men, whose names have not been released at this time, have made no comment to the press.

This marks the second time that the pub has been in the news recently. In November of 2003, Ms Holman-Adams bought the premises, then called The Greasy Girl and the 2nd oldest public house in the United Kingdom. She then changed the name, and controversially knocked down the oldest part of the building, the 900 year old tap room, which had stood unscathed since the 12th Century.

PROFESSIONAL SPORT A TARGET FOR REFORM

If reports are to be believed, professional sports in the United Kingdom could soon change dramatically. Under considerable pressure from the various Local Councils and Political Correctness groups, The Football Association in particular is said to be considering numerous rule changes, which include the phasing out of substitutions (as it is discriminatory to the players leaving the field), banning the words "miss", "fail" and "lose" from broadcasts (as they may upset the players or team involved) and changing the sports name from football to the more accurate "Every part of the body but arm and hand ball".

A number of top flight clubs were contacted but all refused to comment.

UNIVERSITY STUDENT WON'T BACK DOWN OVER PROSE FICTION FRACAS

A Bolton University student has entered a pitched battle with one of his tutors, over a controversial prose fiction story he attempted to submit as course work. Cyril Phaggs, who is from Lincolnshire, completed his 3000 word short story, "Clock Watch", but found that his tutor, Terra Hymns, would not accept it.

Ms Hymns apparently took offence to a scene in which the protagonist applies some HP sauce to his evening meal. "Big Ben and the houses of parliament are the ultimate symbol of male patriarchy modern society, and such sexism is unacceptable in the literature of today," she told this reporter on Monday morning.

Despite being told to submit a different story or face a capped score of 40% for the module, Mr Phaggs refused and is taking his case to the National Education Board. When asked what he thought about his tutor's actions, Phaggs said:

"Terra Hymns is a failed writer. Her stories are stagnant and uninspiring. If she had her way, all fiction would be written by felt-hat wearing, lesbian builders that were married underwater."

The fight goes on.