HIGHSCHOOL CHESS CLUB TO FOLD

For the past 27 years, Slenderdeer Highschool's chess club - The Jolly Knights - have swept all comers at local and national tournaments alike, bringing in an enviable hoard of accolades and trophies and cultivating some 10 grandmasters and countless international masters in the process. However, due to newly passed legislation from The Local Councils, chess is to be replaced by a more PC version of the game, and schools throughout the United Kingdom will be forbidden from even having chess clubs.

Apparently the new game, which has a working title of cooperation, will do away with the traditional black and white pieces and instead use 32 grey pawns, which will all be on the same side. Opposition to the legislation has been immediate and far reaching, with everyone from members of the World Chess Federation to local Suffolk enthusiasts voicing their displeasure. On Wednesday, this reporter spoke to a past school protege, James Whitecrystal, who gave up a glittering career in the chess world to start his own trading company in the area.

"It's absolutely ludicrous... chess has been around for thousands of years and remains perhaps the most engaging and mentally-rewarding game in the world. If the stuffed shirts of the Local Councils get their way, it will mean the end of a large part of the civilised world."

Despite the overwhelming backlash to the legislation, it is expected to be passed sometime in the next few years. "I was proud to have been one of the Jolly Knights," Whitecrystal concluded, "but as one of the Emotionally-secure Grey Pawns? Don't make me laugh..."

SCHOOL TEACHER FIRED

Slenderdeer High School has become embroiled in yet another policy incident after it's Head of Modern Languages was fired last Friday. Bethelra Barraba, who had occupied the position for two years following the disappearance of former Head, Anceska Fannis, faces an uncertain future in an academic world that seems unwilling to give second chances.

It is reported that when Mrs Barraba was teaching some of her year 7 students some elementary directions in German, she told the students that one of the phrases meant "go straight" along the road. Thinking no more of the lesson, Barraba retured home that evening to find a letter on her doormat informing her that she had been fired for discrimination and intolerance. When Barraba called the school to clarify what was happening, they told her that the phrase "go straight" could be considered insensitive to homosexuals, and she should have used "head in a linear direction" instead.

Mrs Barraba immediately issued a statement to the press, accusing the school of "petty-minded bureacracy" and suggesting that the powers that be "spend more time thinking about how to help the students and less time putting teachers over a barrel".

Mrs Barraba suggested a live interview with the Head of the Education Authority, but unfortunately the latter could not be contacted.

TEENAGER FINED FOR SEXUAL HARRASSMENT

Norfolk teenager Benjamin Hamm was fined 400 pounds yesterday morning at Stowmarket Crown Court, after committing what prosecutors are calling "gross sexual harrassment". But Hamm, 19, from Cotman Close, is adamant that he is guilty of nothing.

What both sides agree on is that on the 14th of September this year, Hamm was approached by the defendant, 18 year old Kelly Savage, in Hollywoods nightclub and turned down her request for a dance. Thinking no more of it, papers arrived through the post the following Wednesday informing the bewildered teenager that he was being taken to court for defamation of character and sexual misadventure.

"What really annoys me is the fact that not only did I not harrass the defendant, but she was the one who harrassed me. I clearly didn't want to dance and she tried to force herself on me," Hamm told the press yesterday after leaving court.

Miss Savage was unavailable for comment, and a source claims that she had been out clubbing all night so was taking a rest.

PENSIONER BEHIND BARS FOR COMMENTS

Yorkshire pensioner, Gladys Heel is behind bars tonight at Otley police station, after falling foul of the Local Council's new home owners policies. Two days ago, the Local Council sent a representative to Mrs Heel's bungalow to follow up her complaints about poor insulation and chilly drafts. When Mrs Heel said that "the cold comes right under that door there" the representative is alleged to have told her that "the cold" as such doesn't exist, and the feeling that one associates with cold is actually a lack of heat." Mrs Heel is then reported to have suggested to the representative that he should spend an hour or two locked in her freezer, and then he could perhaps rethink his analysis.

Having issued a full report to his masters, as is Local Council policy, they found that Mrs Heel had controvened a number of newly passed legislative measures, not least of all the controversial "Home owner vs Intruder" policy.

Ironically for Mrs Heel, Otley police station is reportedly "very snug" and there seems to be a pleasant absence of "cold", or an abundance of "heat", as it were.

SCHOOL TEACHER SUSPENDED OVER BOOK LENDING BACKLASH

When Slenderdeer High School teacher, Anthea Albantine started a book-lending service for her English Literature students last month, she was hoping to capture their imaginations and create a love for reading. However, as a new week dawns, Mrs Albantine is facing an uncertain future after her project was unceremoniously scrapped and she herself was suspended indefinitely from her job as Head of English.

This reporter contacted Kay Blundell-Harrow, a senior official at Suffolk Local Council, to clarify what had happened. Ms Blundell-Harrow gave the following statement:

"Mrs Albantine has been suspended forthwith following an incident that can only be described as grossly insensitive and discriminatory. Mrs Albantine lent one of her students Tolkien's The Return of the King, which naturally resulted in the disciplinary action meted out."

When pressed further, Ms Blundell-Harrow explained that the book in question has a cover illustration depicting Gandalf the White, who is carrying a white staff, and could therefore be offensive to visually impaired people. Mrs Albantine, she continued, should have been aware of this, and is thus at fault.

Mrs Albantine refused to comment on events, although a source informed this reporter that she is looking forward to working on her ongoing novel.

LOCAL VILLAGE TO BE SUED

It has undoubtedly been the most eventful few weeks in the sleepy Suffolk village of Occold's long history, but for all the wrong reasons. 13 days ago it transpired that the local pub had run out of beer, and now the village is being sued by a pop singer, in a bizarre contravenence of newly passed anti-paparazzi legislation.

Yesterday morning, Alexys SXE (real name Alexandra Jones) was caught on a speed camera, going 80mph in a 30mph zone. Ordinarily such an act would result in a loss of points, and or a revoking of licence and a sizeable fine. But SXE has been fully cleared of all charges, and in a remarkable turnaround, the village of Occold has been charged with taking her photo illegally, under paragraph 6, sub-section 3 of the new Citizen's Privacy Act.

Despite residents' complaints that it was the the police themselves that took the singer's photo, a substantial fine is expected to be levied against the residents, which will be collected in the not-so-subtle guise of a raise in council taxes. Suffolk County Police were unavailable for comment.

TALKING PUT UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT

The Local Councils of East Anglia are meeting this week to discuss the protocol of communication, and their decisions could have a major impact on the way we communicate as a nation. Although the meeting is to be behind closed doors, a memo was leaked yesterday, detailing the items for discussion. Amongst the most contentious are the following:

- From January 1st, 2007, all forms of communication through glass and any other transparent or translucent material is to be made illegal, due to the implied symbolism of guard-prisoner.
- From June 1st, 2007, spoken communication must be without gestures of any kind, and gestures must not be accompanied by spoken communication, due to the danger of appearing threatening and offending those of other cultures.
- From January 1st, 2008, all words pertaining to the male sex are to be banned (see attached list), due to implied sexism.

Officials from the Central Council in Norwich have refused to comment on the memo, although an anonymous source vouches for its authenticity. The meeting is expected to be held on Friday morning.