The Rice Pudding

HIGHSCHOOL CHESS CLUB TO FOLD

2006-02-02T16:57:00.000-08:00

For the past 27 years, Slenderdeer Highschool's chess club - The Jolly Knights - have swept all comers at local and national tournaments alike, bringing in an enviable hoard of accolades and trophies and cultivating some 10 grandmasters and countless international masters in the process. However, due to newly passed legislation from The Local Councils, chess is to be replaced by a more PC version of the game, and schools throughout the United Kingdom will be forbidden from even having chess clubs.

Apparently the new game, which has a working title of cooperation, will do away with the traditional black and white pieces and instead use 32 grey pawns, which will all be on the same side. Opposition to the legislation has been immediate and far reaching, with everyone from members of the World Chess Federation to local Suffolk enthusiasts voicing their displeasure. On Wednesday, this reporter spoke to a past school protege, James Whitecrystal, who gave up a glittering career in the chess world to start his own trading company in the area.

"It's absolutely ludicrous... chess has been around for thousands of years and remains perhaps the most engaging and mentally-rewarding game in the world. If the stuffed shirts of the Local Councils get their way, it will mean the end of a large part of the civilised world."

Despite the overwhelming backlash to the legislation, it is expected to be passed sometime in the next few years. "I was proud to have been one of the Jolly Knights," Whitecrystal concluded, "but as one of the Emotionally-secure Grey Pawns? Don't make me laugh..."

SCHOOL TEACHER FIRED

2005-12-14T16:58:00.000-08:00

Slenderdeer High School has become embroiled in yet another policy incident after it's Head of Modern Languages was fired last Friday. Bethelra Barraba, who had occupied the position for two years following the disappearance of former Head, Anceska Fannis, faces an uncertain future in an academic world that seems unwilling to give second chances.

It is reported that when Mrs Barraba was teaching some of her year 7 students some elementary directions in German, she told the students that one of the phrases meant "go straight" along the road. Thinking no more of the lesson, Barraba retured home that evening to find a letter on her doormat informing her that she had been fired for discrimination and intolerance. When Barraba called the school to clarify what was happening, they told her that the phrase "go straight" could be considered insensitive to homosexuals, and she should have used "head in a linear direction" instead.

Mrs Barraba immediately issued a statement to the press, accusing the school of "petty-minded bureacracy" and suggesting that the powers that be "spend more time thinking about how to help the students and less time putting teachers over a barrel".

Mrs Barraba suggested a live interview with the Head of the Education Authority, but unfortunately the latter could not be contacted.

TEENAGER FINED FOR SEXUAL HARRASSMENT

2005-11-24T03:51:00.000-08:00

Norfolk teenager Benjamin Hamm was fined 400 pounds yesterday morning at Stowmarket Crown Court, after committing what prosecutors are calling "gross sexual harrassment". But Hamm, 19, from Cotman Close, is adamant that he is guilty of nothing.

What both sides agree on is that on the 14th of September this year, Hamm was approached by the defendant, 18 year old Kelly Savage, in Hollywoods nightclub and turned down her request for a dance. Thinking no more of it, papers arrived through the post the following Wednesday informing the bewildered teenager that he was being taken to court for defamation of character and sexual misadventure.

"What really annoys me is the fact that not only did I not harrass the defendant, but she was the one who harrassed me. I clearly didn't want to dance and she tried to force herself on me," Hamm told the press yesterday after leaving court.

Miss Savage was unavailable for comment, and a source claims that she had been out clubbing all night so was taking a rest.

PENSIONER BEHIND BARS FOR COMMENTS

2005-10-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

Yorkshire pensioner, Gladys Heel is behind bars tonight at Otley police station, after falling foul of the Local Council's new home owners policies. Two days ago, the Local Council sent a representative to Mrs Heel's bungalow to follow up her complaints about poor insulation and chilly drafts. When Mrs Heel said that "the cold comes right under that door there" the representative is alleged to have told her that "the cold" as such doesn't exist, and the feeling that one associates with cold is actually a lack of heat." Mrs Heel is then reported to have suggested to the representative that he should spend an hour or two locked in her freezer, and then he could perhaps rethink his analysis.

Having issued a full report to his masters, as is Local Council policy, they found that Mrs Heel had controvened a number of newly passed legislative measures, not least of all the controversial "Home owner vs Intruder" policy.

Ironically for Mrs Heel, Otley police station is reportedly "very snug" and there seems to be a pleasant absence of "cold", or an abundance of "heat", as it were.

SCHOOL TEACHER SUSPENDED OVER BOOK LENDING BACKLASH

2005-10-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

When Slenderdeer High School teacher, Anthea Albantine started a book-lending service for her English Literature students last month, she was hoping to capture their imaginations and create a love for reading. However, as a new week dawns, Mrs Albantine is facing an uncertain future after her project was unceremoniously scrapped and she herself was suspended indefinitely from her job as Head of English.

This reporter contacted Kay Blundell-Harrow, a senior official at Suffolk Local Council, to clarify what had happened. Ms Blundell-Harrow gave the following statement:

"Mrs Albantine has been suspended forthwith following an incident that can only be described as grossly insensitive and discriminatory. Mrs Albantine lent one of her students Tolkien's The Return of the King, which naturally resulted in the disciplinary action meted out."

When pressed further, Ms Blundell-Harrow explained that the book in question has a cover illustration depicting Gandalf the White, who is carrying a white staff, and could therefore be offensive to visually impaired people. Mrs Albantine, she continued, should have been aware of this, and is thus at fault.

Mrs Albantine refused to comment on events, although a source informed this reporter that she is looking forward to working on her ongoing novel.

LOCAL VILLAGE TO BE SUED

2005-10-18T16:20:00.000-07:00

It has undoubtedly been the most eventful few weeks in the sleepy Suffolk village of Occold's long history, but for all the wrong reasons. 13 days ago it transpired that the local pub had run out of beer, and now the village is being sued by a pop singer, in a bizarre contravenence of newly passed anti-paparazzi legislation.

Yesterday morning, Alexys SXE (real name Alexandra Jones) was caught on a speed camera, going 80mph in a 30mph zone. Ordinarily such an act would result in a loss of points, and or a revoking of licence and a sizeable fine. But SXE has been fully cleared of all charges, and in a remarkable turnaround, the village of Occold has been charged with taking her photo illegally, under paragraph 6, sub-section 3 of the new Citizen's Privacy Act.

Despite residents' complaints that it was the the police themselves that took the singer's photo, a substantial fine is expected to be levied against the residents, which will be collected in the not-so-subtle guise of a raise in council taxes. Suffolk County Police were unavailable for comment.

TALKING PUT UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT

2005-09-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

The Local Councils of East Anglia are meeting this week to discuss the protocol of communication, and their decisions could have a major impact on the way we communicate as a nation. Although the meeting is to be behind closed doors, a memo was leaked yesterday, detailing the items for discussion. Amongst the most contentious are the following:

- From January 1st, 2007, all forms of communication through glass and any other transparent or translucent material is to be made illegal, due to the implied symbolism of guard-prisoner.
- From June 1st, 2007, spoken communication must be without gestures of any kind, and gestures must not be accompanied by spoken communication, due to the danger of appearing threatening and offending those of other cultures.
- From January 1st, 2008, all words pertaining to the male sex are to be banned (see attached list), due to implied sexism.

Officials from the Central Council in Norwich have refused to comment on the memo, although an anonymous source vouches for its authenticity. The meeting is expected to be held on Friday morning.

LOCAL DIGNITARY IN PC ROW

2005-09-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

"I believe absolutely that I am correct regarding this matter, and I refuse absolutely to back down."

The words of Brundish Mayor, Sir Dean Irakard, who yesterday collided head on with Suffolk's Local Council on issues of protocol and political correctness. Sir Dean had been asked to moderate the Local Council's Autumn debate, the subject being the supply and maintenance of paper in offices and schools. The trouble started when Sir Dean, having been introduced as the Chair of the debate, corrected the speaker, and asked to be referred to as Chairman. The speaker reportedly refused, and insisted that Sir Dean be called the Chair. The Mayor was in no mood for "flimflamming", in the words of an eyewitness, and refused to participate until he was named accordingly. After a lengthy closed door consultation, the Local Council refused, and asked that Sir Dean stick with the orignal title. Hearing this, the local dignitary then stood up and said "I am a man, and I was going to moderate this debate, so therefore I would have been the Chairman. As it is, rather than stay here and watch the paint dry I'm going to partake in a pub lunch," which was followed, according to some eyewitnesses, by a slow two-fingered salute to the stunned Councilors.

Whether the Local Council will take matters further will become clear once they have debated the issue next week.

SCHOOL NEWSLETTER IN HOT WATER

2005-09-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

Until last week, The Slenderdeer High School newsletter, Reverb, was known only to members of the school's sixth form teachers and students, dealing with light hearted essays and music reviews. That was until Ben Hectares, a sixth form student, wrote a review in his regular movie column that has caught the publics imagination - and fanned their flames.

The review in question was of the 1988 movie Working Girl, and the offending passage was thus:

"... and despite this being a snapshot of the late eighties in terms of fashion and ideas, I can't help wishing that they had crashed those planes into the World Trade Center 13 years earlier to spare us from all that hair."

Apparently the furore started when one of the students took a copy home, and it was read by her disapproving parents, who contacted the school, and things escalated from there. But despite the expected backlash to what is clearly an insensitive aside about the events of 9/11, incredibly the furore centres around the fact that only a small percentage of the film is shot inside the World Trade Center, if at all, and therefore the school newsletter, and thus the school itself, is expected to be sued for libel.

Neither parties were available for comment.

PUB COURTS CONTROVERSY AGAIN

2005-08-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

When three Surrey men headed to the local pub after finishing work on Friday, they were expecting cold beer and a jukebox. What they got was a lawsuit and possible dismissals from their workplace. Proprietor of The Slug and Lettuce, Ms Chris Holman-Adams, has filed charges of aggrivated stress, harrassment and breach of human rights against the three. And what did the three men do to deserve this? Well, nothing actually. Apart from being an Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman, and entering a pub, which Ms Holman-Adams' lawyers say caused their client undue worry and fear that some of her other customers might have been offended by the implied joke. The three men, whose names have not been released at this time, have made no comment to the press.

This marks the second time that the pub has been in the news recently. In November of 2003, Ms Holman-Adams bought the premises, then called The Greasy Girl and the 2nd oldest public house in the United Kingdom. She then changed the name, and controversially knocked down the oldest part of the building, the 900 year old tap room, which had stood unscathed since the 12th Century.

PROFESSIONAL SPORT A TARGET FOR REFORM

2005-08-18T17:26:00.000-07:00

If reports are to be believed, professional sports in the United Kingdom could soon change dramatically. Under considerable pressure from the various Local Councils and Political Correctness groups, The Football Association in particular is said to be considering numerous rule changes, which include the phasing out of substitutions (as it is discriminatory to the players leaving the field), banning the words "miss", "fail" and "lose" from broadcasts (as they may upset the players or team involved) and changing the sports name from football to the more accurate "Every part of the body but arm and hand ball".

A number of top flight clubs were contacted but all refused to comment.

UNIVERSITY STUDENT WON'T BACK DOWN OVER PROSE FICTION FRACAS

2005-08-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

A Bolton University student has entered a pitched battle with one of his tutors, over a controversial prose fiction story he attempted to submit as course work. Cyril Phaggs, who is from Lincolnshire, completed his 3000 word short story, "Clock Watch", but found that his tutor, Terra Hymns, would not accept it.

Ms Hymns apparently took offence to a scene in which the protagonist applies some HP sauce to his evening meal. "Big Ben and the houses of parliament are the ultimate symbol of male patriarchy modern society, and such sexism is unacceptable in the literature of today," she told this reporter on Monday morning.

Despite being told to submit a different story or face a capped score of 40% for the module, Mr Phaggs refused and is taking his case to the National Education Board. When asked what he thought about his tutor's actions, Phaggs said:

"Terra Hymns is a failed writer. Her stories are stagnant and uninspiring. If she had her way, all fiction would be written by felt-hat wearing, lesbian builders that were married underwater."

The fight goes on.

WALKING DEEMED POLITICALLY INCORRECT

2005-07-27T22:53:00.000-07:00

Shoppers at a shopping mall in Norwich are being encouraged not to walk if possible, as doing so could offend wheelchair users. Norfolk County Council began the enactment of this request on thursday morning, but soon found that evergrowing numbers of shopkeepers were becoming angry. "If customers can't walk, how the hell are they supposed to enter the shops?" one irate shop owner told this reporter yesterday.

5 YEAR OLD GIRL EXPELLED FOR TERRORISM

2005-07-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

A 5 year old pupil has been expelled from a primary school in Poringland, Nofolk, after committing what the Local Council are calling "insurgent behaviour" and parents "nothing whatsoever".

The girl, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is alleged to have left unattended baggage in the hallway of her school, which contravenes their zero tolerance policy on terrorism. However, the fact that the baggage in question is a 1cm by 1cm canvas backpack on the girl's doll has caused anger amongst parents, who accuse the school of "stupidity and callous bureaucracy."

This is not the first time that the school has been in such a situation. In 2003, a 9 year old boy was expelled after telling his teacher that he felt "ship-shape", which is thought to have originated from the days of slavery and could therefore be offensive to those of African origin.

TEACHER'S DISMISSAL FOR SEXISM

2005-07-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

Matthew Goodweight has an exemplary teaching record, and is well respected by his colleagues and his pupils at his high school in Bolton, Lancashire. Yet on Friday he was dismissed on the grounds of sexism and intolerance. His crime? Getting married to a woman, which in the eyes of the Education Authority is sexist, as he "made a decisive and exclusionist choice", in the words of Education Minister, Hermione Wilson-Pickett.

Ms Wilson-Pickett, herself married to her "partner", School Governor, Andrew Walmsley-King, refused an further interview with reporters.

LIBRARY'S BOOKS DEEMED A FIRE HAZARD

2005-07-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

Following last month's Local Council ruling that Eye library must remove all books containing the word "tea", the parochial library is again making headlines. In a ruling that has been called everything from "bizarre" to "twattified", the Council has ruled that the library must remove all of its books at once, as they pose a potential fire hazard. The feeling amongst locals in Eye was summed up by local student, Ben Hectares, who said, simply: "It's a fornicating disgrace."

COMPANY BOSS ARRESTED FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT

2005-07-27T00:39:00.000-07:00

The managing director of a Norfolk trading company is behind bars today, awaiting trial for what prosecutors are calling "the most shocking example of sexual harassment in the workplace of all time."

James Whitecrystal was led away in cuffs from the Diss based company, OmniStock, yesterday afternoon, having been caught in an elaborate, Local Council-led sting. A council representative, posing as a reporter for men's magazine, Loaded, had arranged an interview with Whitecrystal, in order to include OmniStock in the magazine's notorious feature, "Eat my job!".

Having been tipped off by an unknown source, the Council sent in one of their female executives, armed with hidden cameras and state of the art recording devices. The executive, who cannot be named for legal reasons, issued the following statement from behind closed doors:

"It was terrible. When I arrived at OmniStock, I was greeted by two Nordic girls in bikinis carrying trays of beer and tortilla chips. As they led me through the open plan offices, I was appalled by the sight of posters and desk-decorations, and the sound of laughter. Whitecrystal's office was very gaudy and filled with offensive literature and unacceptable music. When I walked in he gave me a very incorrect slap on the bottom and told me to "park the peach" on an orange fur beanbag. When I asked him about the running of his business, he told me that his emphasis was on fun and enjoyment. He had Swedish beer girls, regular costume days and a very relaxed dress code, including mandatory Hawaiian shirt days and monthly group games of strip-twister. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the door of his office burst open and a young south-east Asian girl bounded in, wearing a dog collar and barking. Whitecrystal told me that this was "Dog for a day", a game in which the member of the team with the lowest averages had to be, well, a dog for a day. At this point I got up to leave, but as I was making my way for the door, Whitecrystal grabbed me from behind and told me, and I quote 'I think you're a little cracker, and I think I'm going to put you across my knee."

OmniStock's directors were quick to condemn the actions of Whitecrystal and his staff, and promise to assist the Council in a thorough investigation. "James Whitecrystal has committed gross crimes and abused his position as a valued member of the OmniStock family," company spokesperson Richard Sage said outside court yesterday. Asked to comment on the fact that the Diss branch are consistently top of the company's league tables for sales and efficiency, and have received nothing but praise from customers in telephone surveys, Sage was quick to change the subject.

As for Whitecrystal himself, he remains cheerful and issued the following statement, to the cheering crowds outside his offices:

"Work is something that we all have to do everyday, so I made it fun for me, everyone who works with me and especially our customers. Unfortunately this doesn't sit well with the thought police. See you all soon!"

The trial begins in September.

MOTHER PUTS SON IN PC SPOTLIGHT

2005-07-27T00:31:00.000-07:00

A openly-feminist mother has attracted media attention to the usually sleepy Suffolk village of Redgrave by dressing her 4 year old son in a pink dress. Georgina Liverock, a teacher at the village primary school, brought her son to the school's summer fete, and seemed surprised when people commented on the toddler's attire.

"I am simply exercising my son's feminist rights," she is reported to have said. "Girls are free to wear trousers, so therefore it is every boy's right to wear a skirt, or in this case a dress."

Nigel Byways, headmaster of the school, was unavailable for comment.

BUSINESSES TO ADOPT NEW PEN REGULATIONS

2005-07-26T16:52:00.000-07:00

After months of deliberations, The Ministry of Commerce has put forward a set of regulations concerning the use of pens in the workplace, and businesses across the United Kingdom are being encouraged to follow them. The regulations are intended to "avoid any form of personal misunderstanding or embarrassment whatsoever and embrace the modern ethnic diversity in the United Kingdom", in the words of Commisioner Anthony Phillips-Whiney. In plain English:

- black and brown pens are to be phased out, as their presence could offend immigrants and foreign residents.

- red pens are to be phased out, as their presence could offend Native Americans.

- blue pens are to be phased out, as their presence could offend blue-blooded creatures.

The regulations are expected to be passed in September.

SUFFOLK TODDLER RECEIVES PARKING TICKET

2005-07-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

A car parked on the side of a road in Eye, Suffolk, was given a parking ticket yesterday, despite the fact that the car in question was made of plastic and being steered by a 3 year old boy. The parking attendant, who can't be named for legal reasons, is alleged to have bent down to stick the $60 fine to the plastic windscreen of the boy's pedal car and told him to be on his way. The boy's parents are furious and demanded that the parking attendant be made to apologise, but it seems that from a legal standpoint, the pedal car constitutes a road vehicle, and it was parked "in a clearly marked area with no regard for proper procedure", according to the Ministry of Transport, so the fine will stay. The boy's parents have resolved to fight the case "to the bitter end."

LOTTERY WINNER WINS COMPENSATION CASE

2005-07-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

Bury St Edmunds housewife, Sarah Sapling, won a landmark compensation case yesterday against The National Lottery at Ipwich Crown Court. Justice William D'arby awarded the 46 year old single mother an astonishing $2.5 millon, for the "undue and unspeakably cruel stress of financial burden" that Sapling had suffered since her $1.3 million lottery win 2 months ago. The Defence barristers representing the National Lottery are said to be "in shock".